to Nicholas Johnson's Coralville Rain Forest Web Site
How to Make the Iowa Rainforest a Success
Iowa Pork Forest
February 5, 2006
First and foremost to make the Rainforest a success - let's not limit the venue with the idea that it's mainly for kids. Yeah kids are great and all, but adults need fun and educational opportunities too!
Our first idea was to allow hunting! Now, don't get all worked up. We're not going to allow firearms. In the spirit of the noble indigenous peoples of the rainforest, we're going to only allow blowgun hunting. Imagine the excitement of tracking, killing, skinning and eating a nice juicy monkey! And with a blowgun and poison dart no less! All of our monkeys will be thoroughly screened for HIV/Aids and Kuru. So if chilled monkey brains are what you crave, knock yourself out! All dart poisons will be humanely extracted - without any harm to the frogs - from authentic poisonous frogs from the Amazon. For an additional fee, you'll be able to extract the poison yourself. No licking!!!
And when you're thinking of adult entertainment, what comes first to mind...? That's right baby. Chicks!!! Beautiful native Iowa girls dressed in authentic "Daisy Mae" costumes. Young, blond and corn-fed. Whoo-whee!!! And don't you worry ladies, there'll be a little somethin' for you too. Mama gotta have her beefcake! Can you say "Me Jane"? I knew ya could.
After beautiful native girls and a successful monkey hunt, you'll be ready for a tasty, fruity cocktail at the Slash and Burn Lounge. All of our cocktails are served with a parasol in a souvenir tropical hardwood tiki-mug. That'll look great on the mantel. And while your enjoying a few cocktails, don't forget to take advantage of some hot Slottery action. The state's got to pay for this unique, one-of-a-kind attraction, you know!
Now that you're all liquored up, it's time for some exploring. Come on over to exploration pavilion where you'll be issued a machete and pith helmet. And then it's "off you go"! Blaze a trail. Chop away. Hell, it all grows back anyhow. Mind the leeches.
Well, you get the idea. It's kind of like a Branson MO meets The African Queen thing. People will eat it up.
This is going to put Iowa on the map baby!!!
Update: Hey! Joe at Roth & Co. beat me to the punch!
posted by Royce @ 5:22 PM