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Predictions issued, but no confidence in them

Mike Deupree

The Gazette

January 2, 2006

[Note: This material is copyright by The Gazette, and is reproduced here as a matter of "fair use" for non-commercial, educational purposes only. Any other use may require the prior approval of The Gazette.]

Where are the big issues of today going the rest of the year? Here’s a quick look ahead:

January — Board of Regents begins new year by rolling out the red carpet for meeting with University of Iowa faculty representatives about the search for a new university president.

  Meeting ends abruptly when dispute arises over who should kneel on it.

  Cooperation and comity accompanying transition of control in Congress from Republicans to Democrats ends between second and third rap of Speaker Pelosi’s gavel.

  February — Prospective presidential candidates set up tent city on the State Fairgrounds in Des Moines.

  Cedar Rapids City Council institutes snow removal fee.

  UI Graduate Student Floor Covering Coalition votes ‘‘no confidence’’ in regents as interior decorators, 51-1.

  March — Iowa State wins NCAA wrestling title. ‘‘This wouldn’t have happened if we had a president,’’ grumble Hawkeye fans.

  April — Cedar Rapids City Council institutes fee for storm-water removal, installs meters on rain gutters.

  Working at night to avoid detection by reporters, regents establish permanent offices in Old Capitol, renamed Fort Gartner.

  May — UI Residence Improvement Consortium votes ‘‘no confidence’’ in regents as neighbors, 37-1.

  Flowers bloom in city parks. Cedar Rapids City Council institutes fee for looking at them.

  June — UI Future Finance Officers vote ‘‘no confidence’’ in regents’ fiscal practices, 42-1, citing ‘‘chilling effect on academic freedom’’ of the regents’ ‘‘obsession with getting receipts and that kind of stuff.’’

  July — Temperatures reach triple digits.

  Cedar Rapids City Council institutes a tax on shade.

  August — Corn grows.

  Horses sweat. Men perspire.
Women glow.

  Just like every year, even before SUVs were invented.

  September — UI homecoming parade canceled because the school mascot is missing.

  Message from Fort Gartner says Herky the Hawk will be returned unharmed if UI people will agree that the only applicable definition of ‘‘regent’’ is ‘‘acting monarch.’’

  October — Consortium of UI affinity groups votes ‘‘no confidence’’ in the regents system, 522-1, and secedes. Rebels organize search committee to find alternate funding source that will ‘‘just sign the checks and shut up.’’

  Cedar Rapids City Council rescinds all user fees, raises property taxes to pay cost of providing services. People don’t much like that, either.

  November — Regents say secession occurred too late, as they already have put entire University of Iowa on double-secret probation.

  December — Gov. Chet Culver appoints the guy who’s been voting ‘‘no’’ on all those ‘‘no confidence’’ votes as the new UI president.